Gathering Dust

I find myself not interested in too much at this time. I start to do chores and I end up scrubbing the same area for some time as my mind is far away. In as much, it takes me longer to do less at this time! As the title suggest, I feel as though I am gathering dust!

I need to move forward, but it is not an easy thing to do. Now, I have to admit that I can feel God rendering support in all areas of my life. This pain is only made easier by His touch. No words, no deeds, nothing of this world can soothe the weary soul like He does. This is part of why I know Him to be my Creator!

I am still cleaning out James's closet. This man had too many clothes and has made me reconsider much of my own wardrobe! They are going to family members who can wear them. There are a few boxes and Teresa said they looked like tax information stored. So, I suppose I will organize these papers and then I will have the closet finished. The dressers are emptied. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done to date! I clearly have no thoughts on what to do with golf clubs, two sets, bowling ball, caddy, shoes and all the goodies for someone playing on a league. He was a great bowler...not so much a great golfer!

I have not had my hair cut. Remember how I was fussing about my hair? It seems that after James died, it simply didn't matter to me! I have no desire to get this done. In fact, I now have an excuse! It is getting colder and the hair will help to keep me warm! Sounds good to me! However, it will be to the middle of my back by next Summer. That's when I will run, not walk to get this hair under control! It is too hot in the Summer to have a permanent sweater feeling across your shoulders!

Teresa, just left to get dinner. My schedule is still very abnormal and I am trying to turn things around. It is taking longer than I thought. It seems I can sleep for several hours and I get up feeling tired. Is this old age, or am I simply wiped out? Perhaps, both?

I am still awaiting to hear from the two companies which vested James. I am suppose to be hearing the result this week. I hope so as this is his pension and I have no clue how much money will be coming in monthly! My current house payment is sizable and I need to know if I can last out, until this house sells. It is difficult to do anything without knowing what your income will be!

Dinner is here and I need to eat. Sending all hugs and asking God to bless you.

Gail

A little early for Christmas

Hey:

I so miss James. I have decided to start work on a grave blanket for James. I have learned how to make them now and have begun gathering the items I will need. My Dad had one years ago and it was beautiful. Since, the prices on them have sky rocketed! So, I am doing my own! They are only allowed at Christmas time. I want it to be absolutely beautiful. Just like my baby!!

The headstone is being prepared now. It should be done before Thanksgiving. I will be happy to see it down! I hope it is as pretty as the design on paper. I loved the fact that I could design it myself! I made it very personal! I know James would like it very much and this makes me happy.

I pray you all are doing well. Take care and know that I appreciate all of you.

Gail

Emergency with Angel baby

Today, something bit Angel and she whelped up all over. She was taken to the vet and was given steroids to stop the allergic reaction. Poor little girl! Usually, Angel would have gone to her Daddy, but she could not! He always babied her when she was ill. I felt so sorry for her! She is feeling better now, but Angel is still lurking around James's side of the bed...wanting to find him there! ME TOO!

I am still bickering with TXU and Atmos, concerning James' retirement. This is so ridiculous! He was vested! I have his portion of the contracts with both companies and as of now, they are in breech of these contracts! Until this is resolved, I cannot do anything about our stocks and such! I am at the point to where I think I may need to hire a lawyer to get what is rightfully owed to James and me. I do not want too; however, I cannot allow them to do this to James when he worked so hard for every benefit we have! They cannot pretend that James never existed and that's how it feels when I talk to them! Shame on this entire system for being so crooked! I know of only ONE who can change this for the better and I have taken this issue to HIM! God, will go before me as I hold truths...not self interest, nor what's best for a company who so mistreated James during his illness! It is about what was discussed and settled upon way before James was ill. It is about keeping their word and honoring a contract entered into by them and James, face to face!

This, is all I am waiting on. I have found someone to help me invest and manage my money. I have a realtor on standby and a house sitter awaiting my phone call. As soon as all business is dealt with, I need to get out of this house! I feel myself not wanting to leave for any purpose and this is not healthy for me! I suffered agoraphobia after my Mom died and I cannot allow this to happen to me again! I will not go to that place again as I know God has made me stronger now. This is why I need to get all things resolved and get myself miles between my home and me! This is one of the reasons I am determined to visit whomever will allow this. Even if it is a simple lunch and I'll be on my way!

The lawn is slowly looking as it did prior to James's illness. Teresa and I had to let the yard go and settled for a lawn guy who only mowed, weed eated and edged. It was all I could afford for him to do. In as much, the shrub and such went crazy! Blake cut them the other day and I helped to gather everything into bundles. Ants stung me all over and I am covered in little white blisters now! I cannot stand the ants out here! They bury up and you almost have to dig them off of you. So, I am now armed with ant killer for around the yard and I am going to war!

God, is pouring out mercy today! I have not had that sinking feeling within my heart today for the first time since James died...on Friday's! I am so grateful for this and for His strength, love and unending desire to see me through. Without God in my life, I think I would simply curl up and await death myself!

I do have a plan. I will be leaving here and heading to Colorado as Teresa's parnets live there. From there, I plan to drive the Northwest areas and look at a few places in Colorado too. This will give us a base from which we can reach many areas in the Northwest. I am only visiting this area as I know I cannot live in wet damp areas as the mold and fungus would keep me ill most all year long! So, I am not looking for a home, but rather, I am visiting people and places I have never been too. In fact, I am visiting FT. Sill, where James did his basic training. He also climbed a huge portion of Mt. Ranier and went to see many ice caves there. I am merely going to see the mountain as I have NO desire to climb this mountain! This is when I will be visiting Neita, Sue and a couple of other folks as well.

I will return home before the holidays. Cindy and Blake will need me as I will need them. I am not looking forward to the holidays at all. The joy which I experienced was cooking for James and the gifts I had gotten for him and the others! I have little to no desire to cook anything! As for shopping...not sure I want too! I miss James and his smiles, kisses and I know come Christmas morning...I will not be greeted with either!

Okay, I am closing this entry so I can get some things done. It is going slow as I give out so fast. Two years of grabbing sleep when you can takes a toll in which I cannot place into words!

Sending Hugs To All,
Gail

Fridays!

It is Thursday and I dread tomorrow. Fridays, bring back too many memories of the Friday James died. It is as though that day plays out in my mind. Every detail until James took that last breath. I wish this would stop, but I am still so used to that schedule. I am trying to break this, but after two years...it is not an easy thing to do.


I have to be very honest and say that God has shown me much mercy in my grief. He has provided laughter when I thought I would never smile again! This happened at James's funeral when one man, Tom Jones, spoke of James. Tom, recalled that when James was in college, James and his classmates had to choose a lemon and carry it around until they could recognize their lemon from any other lemon. James, carried his lemon to work and introduced it to all! Tom said, James marched into the bosses office (George) and when he came out, Tom asked James what George said to him. James replied, "He said he was going to fire me and the lemon!" Everyone busted out laughing at this memory. I too, remember that lemon! James, asked me to kiss the stupid thing before we went to bed one night! I declined! In fact, I had to go buy several lemons so James could see if he could recognize that one...he did!


There have been moments of rest from my sorrow. I know this is God being faithful. I certainly recognize His peace when it falls upon me too. What a sweet rest this is from my current situation. My heart just aches to see James and yet, my mind knows James is healed now and no longer suffering. I find peace in knowing James is healed and in the presence of the Lord!


Gotta go

It 's Beginning to feel like Fall

It's getting cooler now and the garage is more bearable. Yes, I am still staying in the garage most of the time. It's just not comfortable inside this huge empty home. I suppose after two years out here, I am more comfortable with this smaller space.

I sent the chaise lounge home with Cindy as I could not bear looking at it without James being there. This leaves the living room pretty empty feeling...just like James's absence. I did try to make it look okay, but I know that chaise is gone and so is James.

I have been busy working to get all benefits taken care of. It seems this process is taking forever! Especially, Atmos and TXU. The insurance has paid, but the others are dragging their feet. Meantime, I have done as James asked me to do and I have removed a box a day from his closet. This has been very hard to do and I have kept many items which I can sleep in (T-shirts) and the last few clothing items he wore. All clothing and shoes went to folks who could wear them. I kept the pj's he wore to the funeral home as well. They laundered them and returned them to me after the funeral. I will forever hang onto these items!

I was given James's wedding band as soon as the service was over. It is now on a chain, around my neck. My band is still on my left hand where it will remain!

I have not returned to the cemetary. Cindy, has been there almost every weekend since her daddy was buried. She placed some beautiful flowers on his grave while the headstone is being made. All I have done is to pay off what I owed there and at the funeral home. It has gotten ridiculous to bury a person. Now, I see why so many people are opting to be cremated! What a shame it is to have to bury a loved one and go into debt doing so! Thanks be to God for all the insurance James had taken out! If not, I would be in debt and not knowing where to turn next! I am most appreciative of the thoughtfulness James put into all the "what ifs." He has always been a very cautious man and tried to be prepared for anything which may have come our way. This caring, has made things a lot easier during this process. I do not think James was aware of how much a burial costs! He was aware that I would need all the financial help I could get in the case of his death. I pray James knows that he did a wonderful job trying to prepare for the what ifs! James, certainly made sure that I will be okay monetarily. Of course, we both worked very hard and paid a high price for this security. Nothing is free in this life and it either costs time, or money! In this case, both!

There was a period of time when I had no cash coming in. They cancelled my health insurance the day of James's funeral and I had to fight to get that reinstated. They realized I meant business as this was plainly stated in James' contract with them! In as much, I had my insurance back in two days! James was vested both at TXU and Atmos Energy company and now the big fight is over his retirement monies. They keep telling me that they are reviewing this and I do not understand this reviewing process as it is stated very clearly in the contracts with both companies! If I can understand this, they should be able to understand it too! Meantime, I had no monies coming in and much was going out for the funeral and such! These folks sure like to collect, but when it is time to pay...you have to stand strong and read everything so very carefully! I can see how they could pull one over on people while in grief! There's simply too much to digest at one time! I am very upset with Atmos as James gave this company his all, but they were devious with James while he was sick and I have sworn not to let them take advantage of James again! Especially, since James cannot do this for himself now!

Teresa and I have been getting things done around the house so I can get it on the market. Luckily, my home has gone up in value and the market is still good in this area. Even so, I am eager to sell this home so I can start my life anew. As long as I am here, I will continue to miss James even more! This was the home he chose to retire in and I do not need four bedrooms, a media room, two living rooms, two eating areas and so forth. Now, the three bathrooms come in handy when I am trying to run inside to go to the ladies room, in a hurry! Even so, it is too much for just Teresa and myself.

I need to get settled as Teresa needs her employment back. She had to let her job go to help with James as I could not do it all on my own. I have taken care of all her needs, but she will need insurance and such and that will have to come from employment. In fact, I bought Teresa a burial plot at the head of ours! That places her with us and Cindy as well. They are all together and in the garden of the "Holy Trinity."

Blake, has asked me to stop making my dolls. James and Blake did not like the body parts hanging to dry after I paint them! They thought it to be eerie. Of course, they liked the finished product; however, they both hated when I did the painting and such! I have told Blake that I will not stop making my dolls! It is extra income and I will not be foolish enough to throw away something which will help me through the rest of my life! I love doing this too and Blake will just have to understand, or stay away when I am painting the doll parts.

Getting back to Teresa! I cannot believe that so many people have asked me or Cindy about Teresa and me! One of the hospice nurses asked what the deal was between Teresa and me! People are thinking we are gay!  Gay? Me? I do not think so! I am a self proclaimed homophobic (got hit on several times by women when I was younger and it totally blew me away!) and I love Teresa, but not like that! This thinking has really angered me as people try to read much more into things without asking me straight out! NO! I am not gay and NO, neither is Teresa! Then, the Hospice nurse asked Cindy if James, Teresa and I had a "thing" going on! WHAT? Is that all she could think about? Sex? With James lying in there dying, these little jabs really got to me! Since, I've had others who have asked about Teresa and I! Wow! Has everyone so distanced themselves from others that they do not know what it is like to have a true friend? I think so! They see our relationship as something dirty and it is not! For this, I feel sorry for all of them as they are sure lacking in the friendship department! Yes, I asked Teresa to sleep in my bed when they placed James in a hospital bed. I could not bear being in there without James! I suppose this is all it took for this nurse to assume all manner of wicked thoughts. Well, these thoughts are way off base and it is hard for me to accept such labels because I have a life long friend! This world has really gotten to be a mess!

Okay, I need to end this entry so I can get some more frustration on the phone! Everyday, presents a new challenge and I will be less stressed when I know everything has been taken care of. I know this is being made harder by my sinus infection. I simply do not feel like doing  much of anything. Even so, I have to keep trudging through all of this until things are finished.

Please remember to pray for Jan! Her life has been changed forever too, with the loss of her husband as well.  It is not an easy thing to walk through and I know she could use our prayers! My heart aches for her!

Gail

Special Thanks

First, I want to thank God for my Christian friends who have supported me during this trial, in my life. Your prayers have been heard and now, James is healed and in the presence of His Creator.

Secondly, I want to thank Neita for setting this site up for me. I appreciate the work you did Sis and I love you for taking your time to do this. I pray God blesses you for your kindness and selflessness!

I am in hopes that we can all stay together here and post our prayer needs, or simply have a place to share our hearts. Please feel free to post about yourselves so that everyone can get to know one another more. You are all special, or you would not have received an invitation.

Hugs to all of you,
Gail

Hey, Sissy, thought I'd sneak on here and start a post so people can comment, that's how we're all gonna be able to "talk to you" on here...you write a post after you sign in, WE comment back on it.

Gail, it was my honor and my privilege to be able to do such a very small thing for you.  After all our years of friendship and sisterhood, I have asked God to help me give back to you some of the wondrous love and faith you've shared with me.

Going on without James must be the hardest thing you've ever been called to do; but I am so comforted knowing that you are TRULY not alone for even a heartbeat.  You are lonely, but never alone.

I praise our God on high for you every single time I think of you, Sissy.  I had got so used to phoning you or emailing and getting Caring Bridge updates....that it was a sort of shock to the system to have that suddenly end.  Thank you for wishing to continue the journal here, Gail.  I believe it was doing ALL of us good who went to read what you wrote, respond, and be in prayer.  May God bless this journal spot for you and all of us who come.  I love you, precious one.  Neita