It's getting cooler now and the garage is more bearable. Yes, I am still staying in the garage most of the time. It's just not comfortable inside this huge empty home. I suppose after two years out here, I am more comfortable with this smaller space.
I sent the chaise lounge home with Cindy as I could not bear looking at it without James being there. This leaves the living room pretty empty feeling...just like James's absence. I did try to make it look okay, but I know that chaise is gone and so is James.
I have been busy working to get all benefits taken care of. It seems this process is taking forever! Especially, Atmos and TXU. The insurance has paid, but the others are dragging their feet. Meantime, I have done as James asked me to do and I have removed a box a day from his closet. This has been very hard to do and I have kept many items which I can sleep in (T-shirts) and the last few clothing items he wore. All clothing and shoes went to folks who could wear them. I kept the pj's he wore to the funeral home as well. They laundered them and returned them to me after the funeral. I will forever hang onto these items!
I was given James's wedding band as soon as the service was over. It is now on a chain, around my neck. My band is still on my left hand where it will remain!
I have not returned to the cemetary. Cindy, has been there almost every weekend since her daddy was buried. She placed some beautiful flowers on his grave while the headstone is being made. All I have done is to pay off what I owed there and at the funeral home. It has gotten ridiculous to bury a person. Now, I see why so many people are opting to be cremated! What a shame it is to have to bury a loved one and go into debt doing so! Thanks be to God for all the insurance James had taken out! If not, I would be in debt and not knowing where to turn next! I am most appreciative of the thoughtfulness James put into all the "what ifs." He has always been a very cautious man and tried to be prepared for anything which may have come our way. This caring, has made things a lot easier during this process. I do not think James was aware of how much a burial costs! He was aware that I would need all the financial help I could get in the case of his death. I pray James knows that he did a wonderful job trying to prepare for the what ifs! James, certainly made sure that I will be okay monetarily. Of course, we both worked very hard and paid a high price for this security. Nothing is free in this life and it either costs time, or money! In this case, both!
There was a period of time when I had no cash coming in. They cancelled my health insurance the day of James's funeral and I had to fight to get that reinstated. They realized I meant business as this was plainly stated in James' contract with them! In as much, I had my insurance back in two days! James was vested both at TXU and Atmos Energy company and now the big fight is over his retirement monies. They keep telling me that they are reviewing this and I do not understand this reviewing process as it is stated very clearly in the contracts with both companies! If I can understand this, they should be able to understand it too! Meantime, I had no monies coming in and much was going out for the funeral and such! These folks sure like to collect, but when it is time to pay...you have to stand strong and read everything so very carefully! I can see how they could pull one over on people while in grief! There's simply too much to digest at one time! I am very upset with Atmos as James gave this company his all, but they were devious with James while he was sick and I have sworn not to let them take advantage of James again! Especially, since James cannot do this for himself now!
Teresa and I have been getting things done around the house so I can get it on the market. Luckily, my home has gone up in value and the market is still good in this area. Even so, I am eager to sell this home so I can start my life anew. As long as I am here, I will continue to miss James even more! This was the home he chose to retire in and I do not need four bedrooms, a media room, two living rooms, two eating areas and so forth. Now, the three bathrooms come in handy when I am trying to run inside to go to the ladies room, in a hurry! Even so, it is too much for just Teresa and myself.
I need to get settled as Teresa needs her employment back. She had to let her job go to help with James as I could not do it all on my own. I have taken care of all her needs, but she will need insurance and such and that will have to come from employment. In fact, I bought Teresa a burial plot at the head of ours! That places her with us and Cindy as well. They are all together and in the garden of the "Holy Trinity."
Blake, has asked me to stop making my dolls. James and Blake did not like the body parts hanging to dry after I paint them! They thought it to be eerie. Of course, they liked the finished product; however, they both hated when I did the painting and such! I have told Blake that I will not stop making my dolls! It is extra income and I will not be foolish enough to throw away something which will help me through the rest of my life! I love doing this too and Blake will just have to understand, or stay away when I am painting the doll parts.
Getting back to Teresa! I cannot believe that so many people have asked me or Cindy about Teresa and me! One of the hospice nurses asked what the deal was between Teresa and me! People are thinking we are gay! Gay? Me? I do not think so! I am a self proclaimed homophobic (got hit on several times by women when I was younger and it totally blew me away!) and I love Teresa, but not like that! This thinking has really angered me as people try to read much more into things without asking me straight out! NO! I am not gay and NO, neither is Teresa! Then, the Hospice nurse asked Cindy if James, Teresa and I had a "thing" going on! WHAT? Is that all she could think about? Sex? With James lying in there dying, these little jabs really got to me! Since, I've had others who have asked about Teresa and I! Wow! Has everyone so distanced themselves from others that they do not know what it is like to have a true friend? I think so! They see our relationship as something dirty and it is not! For this, I feel sorry for all of them as they are sure lacking in the friendship department! Yes, I asked Teresa to sleep in my bed when they placed James in a hospital bed. I could not bear being in there without James! I suppose this is all it took for this nurse to assume all manner of wicked thoughts. Well, these thoughts are way off base and it is hard for me to accept such labels because I have a life long friend! This world has really gotten to be a mess!
Okay, I need to end this entry so I can get some more frustration on the phone! Everyday, presents a new challenge and I will be less stressed when I know everything has been taken care of. I know this is being made harder by my sinus infection. I simply do not feel like doing much of anything. Even so, I have to keep trudging through all of this until things are finished.
Please remember to pray for Jan! Her life has been changed forever too, with the loss of her husband as well. It is not an easy thing to walk through and I know she could use our prayers! My heart aches for her!
Gail
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